I have this awful habit of bottling things up and ignoring them because of how scary they are. Usually these things are doubts, emotions, and concerns.
I want to be an artist (?). I don’t like piano (?).
I’ve known that I wanted to do art for a long time and it’d be terrifying if that would change.
I’ve felt no love or enjoyment 8/9 years I’ve played piano. The only year I’ve enjoyed it is when I was in jazz band, but I haven’t taken a single jazz class in my life, so I stopped after that one year. Piano takes time and energy and I hate it without jazz. That year I loved piano sparked a love for music in me; so my efforts to stop playing piano bring regret. Everything is terrifying and confusing and full of doubt.
I don’t know how to prioritize, I don’t know how to listen to myself except for on the most primitive level. I am a broken machine rolling downhill. I can see these tendencies pulling the trajectory of my life downwards.
I don’t know how to stop, I don’t know how to do anything.
That’s my problem, now let’s make a solution:
I’ve noticed a problem in my current prioritizing, I can’t do more than one thing at one. I need to be a machine that can do more than just school at once.
I get a sheet of notebook paper and rotate it so it is horizontal, I divide it into three vertical segments: school, extras, and sustaining. (In the order I thought of them).
For School I put the lowest grades first, and to supplement my education in bullet points, listening to NPR and to establish a studying pattern.
For Extras I put building my art skill first, my humanities conservatory application second, and my art conservatory application third. Other less important extras are volunteering and guitar.
For Sustaining I put meditation first, socialization second, and going outside third (we can build on that w/ exercise later). Other things to do are to stop trying to avoid conflict and emotional turmoil, because without those, no progress is made. And to floss more.
I flip the paper over, I make a pyramid, on the bottom is Sustaining, because without that everything collapses. School and Extras are stacked complexly because of how they work together.
Analyzing this new behavioral phenomenon that has presented itself, I see a glimmer of hope. I haven’t given up, and maybe I do know how to do somethings.
I need to actually work now.
Next: Implementation. (scariest!!)