I’m drained

I have this awful habit of bottling things up and ignoring them because of how scary they are. Usually these things are doubts, emotions, and concerns.

I want to be an artist (?). I don’t like piano (?).

I’ve known that I wanted to do art for a long time and it’d be terrifying if that would change.

I’ve felt no love or enjoyment 8/9 years I’ve played piano. The only year I’ve enjoyed it is when I was in jazz band, but I haven’t taken a single jazz class in my life, so I stopped after that one year. Piano takes time and energy and I hate it without jazz.  That year I loved piano sparked a love for music in me; so my efforts to stop playing piano bring regret. Everything is terrifying and confusing and full of doubt.

I don’t know how to prioritize, I don’t know how to listen to myself except for on the most primitive level. I am a broken machine rolling downhill. I can see these tendencies pulling the trajectory of my life downwards.


I don’t know how to stop, I don’t know how to do anything.

That’s my problem, now let’s make a solution:

I’ve noticed a problem in my current prioritizing, I can’t do more than one thing at one. I need to be a machine that can do more than just school at once.

I get a sheet of notebook paper and rotate it so it is horizontal, I divide it into three vertical segments: school, extras, and sustaining. (In the order I thought of them).

For School I put the lowest grades first, and to supplement my education in bullet points, listening to NPR and to establish a studying pattern.

For Extras I put building my art skill first, my humanities conservatory application second, and my art conservatory application third. Other less important extras are volunteering and guitar.

For Sustaining I put meditation first, socialization second, and going outside third (we can build on that w/ exercise later). Other things to do are to stop trying to avoid conflict and emotional turmoil, because without those, no progress is made. And to floss more.

I flip the paper over, I make a pyramid, on the bottom is Sustaining, because without that everything collapses. School and Extras are stacked complexly because of how they work together.

Analyzing this new behavioral phenomenon that has presented itself, I see a glimmer of hope. I haven’t given up, and maybe I do know how to do somethings.

I need to actually work now.



Next: Implementation. (scariest!!)



Why Making High Schoolers Decide Their Lives is Dumb (also the College Game is Dumb)

I love art. I want to do art.

I can imagine not doing STEM as a job, it’s a blander life, but honestly, it’s eliminating a possibility that could very well drive me into the ground.

However, art,,,.,.,,.  art. Living without art. Is that even living?

I know I’m being dramatic and in reality, it would be like the slow forgetting of a friendship but I love it so much. I don’t know why and I’ve tried to explain why but all I come up with is a bunch of half-assed reasons.

Maybe that’s what love is? I don’t know what love is but I love art.

Why do STEM? You get to save people’s lives, be at the forefront of innovation, and get a lot of money. In STEM you work hard and memorize and analyze and heal and watch. It’s a lot like life. It’s not easy, and it’s very diverse. But I don’t love STEM. Sure I can get an A in biology but it’s just not there. Also, science is very close to math and my relationship with math is, precarious.

At the biotech presentation I went to, a speaker who worked in STEN said that you had to love it and if you didn’t you’d get sick of it and hate it. I don’t want to hate my job.

And STEM isn’t a direct pipeline into success, you still have to work. Hard. For many years. After college. Just. Like. Art. So what’s the point of pursuing STEM if I still struggle and  I don’t love it? Some may argue that I should take responsibility of my privileges, which are abundant, and do something that’s a HELL of a lot more accessible to me than other people. Being a doctor or an engineer or a scientist would quantitatively help a lot more people than being an artist would. But I’m not structured for STEM in the way I am for art. Failing vs doing something I love and having less money/possibly not helping people is also a risk. Idk man. I love art and I don’t love STEM. STEM is great but I’m very uncertain about my survival in it.

Climate science seems ok, like global warming y’know? but that could be helped in activism, and the problem isn’t science. It’s communication. So maybe climate science + psychology would be best. It’s something I’m interested in and that could help people and has double the money you make as an artist.

Making decisions like these also depend on your own skills though? And I’m not willing to drop art. Pursuing 3 separate fields of study is a lot.

So, no STEM except for climate science, and I like art but it’s kinda scary.

Let’s Talk… On The Phone

Hello, here’s my second post… I guess I’m not having an actual introductory post? I also have to tell a story about the […] This story is from my 6th grade teacher, who I hold dear to my heart. She told us about her 7 year old son, who read every … as Dun DUN DUN!!! This story has stuck with me for several years, and I don’t know why, but every time I remember it, it brings me a little bit of joy. I hope it does for you as well!

A question has been nagging me for a while. Why do people hate voice calls? They seem like a good concept (if you enjoy talking to people) why not? It’s a way to increase communication without cutting out the vocal cues that can be vital for a good quality of conversation. So why are they so taboo?

I mean, it is annoying when your mom calls you to tell something that would take a small text, and that static sound you get is awful. But my thumbs get tired sometimes, and I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to call instead of type. Then I could “multitask!”

How would you use sarcasm with texting?? It doesn’t work! How would you realize there’s something wrong if there’s a long silence, how would you hear the joy, sadness, or anger in someone’s voice. How can you react with the words imbued to sound, movement, and meaning from text. I don’t want people to think I’m saying something I’m not, and texting lets that happen. There is so much lost when all communication is reduced to the written text. (coming from the written text)

Calling (or even facetime??) seems like the best mode for actual conversation, so I have a question for you. Why don’t we call each other more? Why don’t we talk to each other more? Why don’t we listen to each other more?

Remember to feel free to comment and engage!

Kicking it Off

Ok so I have a blog now? It sounded like a good idea, so yeah, it’s here. I know that my quality of writing is horrible and the objective of this whole thing is very sketchy, but I created this “blog” in the hopes of expressing opinions, figuring things out, and doing that with people. 

The first hurdle in forming a blog for me was not convincing myself to do it, it was deciding the platform. I haven’t heard of many, but my choices were Quora, WordPress, and Tumblr. The problem with Quora is that, in my prior experiences with it were in very detailed topics, and I don’t know how to start this out with detail, or a quick-hit mission.

By quick-hit I mean that, this isn’t a bullet on a list, it’s just an activity to do, I was going to say specific objective, but then I realized that I kind of did have a specific objective in this, which was to discuss life and important topics.

The people on Quora also seem pretty professional, which is intimidating. (Not that this isn’t.) Quora is great for discourse, but I’m not sure how I would find grey areas to ramble in it. Now, for Tumblr, Tumblr is a great platform for this kind of activity if you look at the facilities it has, you can post opinions and whatnot, and also discuss those very topics. The problem with Tumblr is that content that is already there. I’m not misogynistic or anything, but the content on Tumblr is sometimes very liberal, which I’m not against, I just don’t know my standing yet. There is also a wide variety of content, and the current users on Tumblr probably wouldn’t be looking for my kind of content.

And finally, WordPress, this site is very new to me. I found it a couple days ago while browsing the scioly wikis, and stumbled across Knittingfrenzy18’s blog (https://knittingfrenzy18.wordpress.com.) I thoroughly enjoyed her, as well as Just Angela Things’  content (https://justangelathings.wordpress.com). I realize that it may not be that best for discourse, but it seems pretty good for now, I’m not totally sure, but sometimes I find myself acting on totally emotive reasons.

I thinks that I chose this via process of elimination, but it seems to be working out rather nicely right now.

Remember to feel free to comment and engage!

This has all been typed up on the spot, so the quality’s not the best, and I’ve never actually written for my own reasons before, besides that wiki post. I’m also pretty sure that every sentence is a run on sentence, and I use too many commas, but I’m much more familiar with talking than writing. I realize that I am creating this before the introduction, but I also don’t have plans for the introduction, so we’ll too how that works.