I’m drained

I have this awful habit of bottling things up and ignoring them because of how scary they are. Usually these things are doubts, emotions, and concerns.

I want to be an artist (?). I don’t like piano (?).

I’ve known that I wanted to do art for a long time and it’d be terrifying if that would change.

I’ve felt no love or enjoyment 8/9 years I’ve played piano. The only year I’ve enjoyed it is when I was in jazz band, but I haven’t taken a single jazz class in my life, so I stopped after that one year. Piano takes time and energy and I hate it without jazz.  That year I loved piano sparked a love for music in me; so my efforts to stop playing piano bring regret. Everything is terrifying and confusing and full of doubt.

I don’t know how to prioritize, I don’t know how to listen to myself except for on the most primitive level. I am a broken machine rolling downhill. I can see these tendencies pulling the trajectory of my life downwards.


I don’t know how to stop, I don’t know how to do anything.

That’s my problem, now let’s make a solution:

I’ve noticed a problem in my current prioritizing, I can’t do more than one thing at one. I need to be a machine that can do more than just school at once.

I get a sheet of notebook paper and rotate it so it is horizontal, I divide it into three vertical segments: school, extras, and sustaining. (In the order I thought of them).

For School I put the lowest grades first, and to supplement my education in bullet points, listening to NPR and to establish a studying pattern.

For Extras I put building my art skill first, my humanities conservatory application second, and my art conservatory application third. Other less important extras are volunteering and guitar.

For Sustaining I put meditation first, socialization second, and going outside third (we can build on that w/ exercise later). Other things to do are to stop trying to avoid conflict and emotional turmoil, because without those, no progress is made. And to floss more.

I flip the paper over, I make a pyramid, on the bottom is Sustaining, because without that everything collapses. School and Extras are stacked complexly because of how they work together.

Analyzing this new behavioral phenomenon that has presented itself, I see a glimmer of hope. I haven’t given up, and maybe I do know how to do somethings.

I need to actually work now.



Next: Implementation. (scariest!!)



Let’s Talk… On The Phone

Hello, here’s my second post… I guess I’m not having an actual introductory post? I also have to tell a story about the […] This story is from my 6th grade teacher, who I hold dear to my heart. She told us about her 7 year old son, who read every … as Dun DUN DUN!!! This story has stuck with me for several years, and I don’t know why, but every time I remember it, it brings me a little bit of joy. I hope it does for you as well!

A question has been nagging me for a while. Why do people hate voice calls? They seem like a good concept (if you enjoy talking to people) why not? It’s a way to increase communication without cutting out the vocal cues that can be vital for a good quality of conversation. So why are they so taboo?

I mean, it is annoying when your mom calls you to tell something that would take a small text, and that static sound you get is awful. But my thumbs get tired sometimes, and I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to call instead of type. Then I could “multitask!”

How would you use sarcasm with texting?? It doesn’t work! How would you realize there’s something wrong if there’s a long silence, how would you hear the joy, sadness, or anger in someone’s voice. How can you react with the words imbued to sound, movement, and meaning from text. I don’t want people to think I’m saying something I’m not, and texting lets that happen. There is so much lost when all communication is reduced to the written text. (coming from the written text)

Calling (or even facetime??) seems like the best mode for actual conversation, so I have a question for you. Why don’t we call each other more? Why don’t we talk to each other more? Why don’t we listen to each other more?

Remember to feel free to comment and engage!